Why Stay At Home? STILL, A Very Personal Decision.

I've covered this topic before. Of the massive amount of 11 or so posts I have on this blog, I'm already re-covering my material.

I've been "out of retirement" and "back to work" for over a year now, and I am currently counting down another 6 days until I go "back into retirement" as a Stay-At-Home Mom. (That's SAHM for you rookies.) The transition this time, has been starkly different than the first time I stayed home. The first time we decided I would stay at home we had just had a 10 week premature baby; our family had been through a trauma and we were ready to reprioritize.

At that time, when people would ask why I personally had made this decision, I had a dramatic story to tell. I was incredibly sick and probably could have died. My premature and skeletal baby clung to his wires and little plastic castle in the NICU, and I had a new lease on my life. No one second guessed my decision as a mother or as a woman doing what she thought was best for herself and her family.

Who wouldn't miss this?

THIS time, however, the difference has been amazing. When people ask why my family and I have made this choice, I have give the following answers:

1. I missed my family.
2. I was overwhelmed.
3. I wasn't pleased with my job.
4. I want the time back to enjoy weekends together rather than only having time to prepare to survive the upcoming week.
5. I want more freedom to guide my son's preschool education.
6. It is a financial adjustment for my family, not a financial burden.

Many of the answers above are selfish. I understand and I take full responsibility for that. But, sometimes women like to glorify that as mothers they need to sacrifice everything that exists of themselves for their children. They believe they should never come first. I disagree with this mentality. I think I'm a better mother when I get my turn on the priority wheel as well.

I think my family benefits from allowing me to do the things that I need to do to make myself happy. I'd never want anyone I love to have to constantly sacrifice things THEY truly want and need to make MY life easier. I challenge the "Mommy Sacrifice Theory", and embrace the "Mommy Equality Model", and I believe it teaches my children to be more selfless. (Yes, by asserting my selfishness at times! lol)

Being a parent does not mean you suddenly become the least important person in the world. It means you have to learn to balance and be prepared to sacrifice things, and you will face that challenge regularly. No one gets everything they want all the time. (Well some people do, but quite honestly those are not the kind of people whose company I enjoy...) I don't get everything I want. My husband doesn't. My children don't. I don't want to be a person everyone has to constantly sacrifice themselves for, and I don't want my children to expect that from anyone, or to have to be such martyrs themselves.

Making Friends in the Garden

I can only speculate that this change of tone, and the shift from "we had a traumatic experience" to "I want something different for my/our lives" is the reason for which I have garnered such ire from some women. My first "retirement" everyone was happy, amazed we could do this financially and fully supportive. This time, I'd have to say that responses are about 50/50 supportive vs. disgusted, and I find that amazingly disheartening.

I have never judged anyone for their decision to stay home or to go to work. Men or women. I have never judged anyone for actively crashing through life, however haphazard that effort may seem, it is effort, which is more than a lot of people can say who just resign to float along the stream. I wouldn't begrudge anyone the opportunity to find what they truly want, and where they truly want to be. I think these are requirements that all people should seek out in their lives, and I feel bad for those who don't understand that they can have what they want, as long as they are prepared for the shake-up and work that ensues when you make commitments to big life changes.

The amount of ire that some women have shown me for this decision has been amazing and daunting. Yes, I am capable of work. Yes, I am good at what I do. But no, I don't want to do it anymore. I'd rather be somewhere else. That somewhere else is with my family.

The number one irritation I have is the "potential" quote.

"...But you have so much potential."

Yes I do, and why wouldn't I spend it on my children and family?

Movie Time on Mother's Day

I have potential. I don't know what industry or mode I wish to give it to the workforce for the next 30 years of my life, so now, I'll spend it with my men. Their desire for my involvement will wane quickly in the coming years. They will stop coming into my room at 5:30 am, cuddling and talking my ear off. Work will be there when I'm ready. Maybe when they don't want or need my management and guidance as much, I'll be ready for work.

I think as women we should not be so quick and harsh to judge decisions other women make for their families. We have enough going on in our heads as it is without worrying about the lives of others; lives that we ourselves don't even have to live. Its a waste of valuable time vocalizing how appropriate or inappropriate it is for someone else to have a traditional job, and its an unnecessary tax and judgement on a careful consideration someone has made.

I'm wasn't trying to start a feminist movement by working. I'm not trying to take the world back to the 40's by staying home. I'm making a choice for me, and my family. I'm trying to live my life and find my path. I like to think I'm brave enough to change my direction when I'm off course and unhappy. After all the goal is to "die with memories, not dreams", right?

Don't You Get Bored?

The simple answer? No.

As a personality trait, I don’t get bored often. I don’t think I have a busier life than anyone else in the world, but we certainly keep busy as a family! Yes, I do have 2 kids home with me almost constantly and I’m sure if I were home by myself all day it would be a different story. If both kids were in school, my ability to get bored would have a much lower threshold.

How do I not get bored?

1) A constantly running to-do list, 2) The constant pursuit to saving money and 3) An excessive amount of diverse hobbies that constantly keep my brain and/or hands busy.

That’s it.

When I first decided to stay at home - and before I had actually done it - I thought that my time to accomplish things would be infinite. (Pllllb. What Was I thinking?) I started off my first couple of months like a tornado. I took care of the kids with excitement, scheduled special time to spend with them, and got everything done and then some. (I compare it to the “honeymoon” phase of any new job, where you start on adrenaline and excitement before finally slowing down and reaching reality.)

Since life has calmed down, I find it much more difficult to get everything accomplished in the way that I did in my first month home. I even find it more difficult to take the kids out to do activities than I thought it would. (However, I have become a master at managing everyone and everything by myself! Even when out in public!)  

Alright, to address #1: A constantly running to-do list. As my previous job, I had a large whiteboard which I constantly used to keep track of what proposals I had due and when. I used it to manage and guide my daily activities. Shortly before I began my new “career” at home, Dan obliged my desire to have a central zone for keeping track of what needs to happen and when. He created a homemade white board for our endeavors, and I use it to keep track of chores, and what needs accomplished. If I think of something off the cuff, I write it down. With a list like this in plain view and larger than life, I always have a reminder that I have something "productive" to do. (As a list person, I also get great satisfaction for crossing things OFF the to-do list, and Tyler has his own section where he has made some VERY interesting (and sometimes embarrassing) drawings.  

#2: The constant pursuit of saving money. We do several things in the name of saving. We routinely do “once-a-month” cooking, which allows us to buy certain things in bulk or that are on sale, and create homemade stouffer-type meals. (This is not only a money saver, but also a lovely time saver.) We also have our vegetable garden and this year we have made a concerted effort to plant things that we use, eat and enjoy. Early in garden season, we have already made great efforts to get everything processed so that nothing goes to waste. It is only the end of July, and I already have a freezer full of green beans and zucchini, and we haven’t even gotten started yet! The cooking and the garden, take huge amounts of time, planning, maintenance and preparation. (A large vegetable garden? There goes our summer, no seriously, there is ALWAYS something to do… and for the record, I HATE WEEDS!)  

#3: Hobbies! Hobbies! Hobbies! Some people call it a short attention span, I call it personal education & enrichment, my style my speed. I play guitar (I was taught classical guitar as a child which I think has helped me have a good ear for figuring out tabs/chords), I love reading almost anything, I have taught myself to crochet, am currently learning how to decorate cakes, and trying to become a regular bicyclist! I’m sure there are more I can’t think of at the moment!  

There you have it. That is how I do it. I’m a little curious how this is all going to work during the winter, when we are trapped in the house. (I imagine it will work very similar to the way it has worked this last week with the INTENSE heat. Not a good time to send a little boy outside to play!)

I do believe that my personality will be my saving grace against boredom. Being at home is still new to me, but I am not a person who gets bored easily. I can always think of something that needs to be done, or something I would enjoy doing. Going down to one income doesn’t mean that you have to find things to do that cost a lot of money, it just means you have to be creative with your time and use it in ways that offer benefits to the current situation. (I can crochet Christmas presents, spend quality time with Tyler playing guitar, brave a "field trip", the possibilities are endless!)

My absolute, number one recommendation for making the most of your time and not getting bored? Stop and play with the kids. They won’t always want to play, or snuggle close and watch a movie.  They won't always be interested in what you're doing. Soak it up. Even if you are one of those talented ladies that balances it all, work, family, hobbies, etc. Dishes will be there, so will laundry and weeds, but playing legos with a 4 year old, or pat-a-cake with a one year old, will not be an option you will have forever.