Why Stay At Home? STILL, A Very Personal Decision.

I've covered this topic before. Of the massive amount of 11 or so posts I have on this blog, I'm already re-covering my material.

I've been "out of retirement" and "back to work" for over a year now, and I am currently counting down another 6 days until I go "back into retirement" as a Stay-At-Home Mom. (That's SAHM for you rookies.) The transition this time, has been starkly different than the first time I stayed home. The first time we decided I would stay at home we had just had a 10 week premature baby; our family had been through a trauma and we were ready to reprioritize.

At that time, when people would ask why I personally had made this decision, I had a dramatic story to tell. I was incredibly sick and probably could have died. My premature and skeletal baby clung to his wires and little plastic castle in the NICU, and I had a new lease on my life. No one second guessed my decision as a mother or as a woman doing what she thought was best for herself and her family.

Who wouldn't miss this?

THIS time, however, the difference has been amazing. When people ask why my family and I have made this choice, I have give the following answers:

1. I missed my family.
2. I was overwhelmed.
3. I wasn't pleased with my job.
4. I want the time back to enjoy weekends together rather than only having time to prepare to survive the upcoming week.
5. I want more freedom to guide my son's preschool education.
6. It is a financial adjustment for my family, not a financial burden.

Many of the answers above are selfish. I understand and I take full responsibility for that. But, sometimes women like to glorify that as mothers they need to sacrifice everything that exists of themselves for their children. They believe they should never come first. I disagree with this mentality. I think I'm a better mother when I get my turn on the priority wheel as well.

I think my family benefits from allowing me to do the things that I need to do to make myself happy. I'd never want anyone I love to have to constantly sacrifice things THEY truly want and need to make MY life easier. I challenge the "Mommy Sacrifice Theory", and embrace the "Mommy Equality Model", and I believe it teaches my children to be more selfless. (Yes, by asserting my selfishness at times! lol)

Being a parent does not mean you suddenly become the least important person in the world. It means you have to learn to balance and be prepared to sacrifice things, and you will face that challenge regularly. No one gets everything they want all the time. (Well some people do, but quite honestly those are not the kind of people whose company I enjoy...) I don't get everything I want. My husband doesn't. My children don't. I don't want to be a person everyone has to constantly sacrifice themselves for, and I don't want my children to expect that from anyone, or to have to be such martyrs themselves.

Making Friends in the Garden

I can only speculate that this change of tone, and the shift from "we had a traumatic experience" to "I want something different for my/our lives" is the reason for which I have garnered such ire from some women. My first "retirement" everyone was happy, amazed we could do this financially and fully supportive. This time, I'd have to say that responses are about 50/50 supportive vs. disgusted, and I find that amazingly disheartening.

I have never judged anyone for their decision to stay home or to go to work. Men or women. I have never judged anyone for actively crashing through life, however haphazard that effort may seem, it is effort, which is more than a lot of people can say who just resign to float along the stream. I wouldn't begrudge anyone the opportunity to find what they truly want, and where they truly want to be. I think these are requirements that all people should seek out in their lives, and I feel bad for those who don't understand that they can have what they want, as long as they are prepared for the shake-up and work that ensues when you make commitments to big life changes.

The amount of ire that some women have shown me for this decision has been amazing and daunting. Yes, I am capable of work. Yes, I am good at what I do. But no, I don't want to do it anymore. I'd rather be somewhere else. That somewhere else is with my family.

The number one irritation I have is the "potential" quote.

"...But you have so much potential."

Yes I do, and why wouldn't I spend it on my children and family?

Movie Time on Mother's Day

I have potential. I don't know what industry or mode I wish to give it to the workforce for the next 30 years of my life, so now, I'll spend it with my men. Their desire for my involvement will wane quickly in the coming years. They will stop coming into my room at 5:30 am, cuddling and talking my ear off. Work will be there when I'm ready. Maybe when they don't want or need my management and guidance as much, I'll be ready for work.

I think as women we should not be so quick and harsh to judge decisions other women make for their families. We have enough going on in our heads as it is without worrying about the lives of others; lives that we ourselves don't even have to live. Its a waste of valuable time vocalizing how appropriate or inappropriate it is for someone else to have a traditional job, and its an unnecessary tax and judgement on a careful consideration someone has made.

I'm wasn't trying to start a feminist movement by working. I'm not trying to take the world back to the 40's by staying home. I'm making a choice for me, and my family. I'm trying to live my life and find my path. I like to think I'm brave enough to change my direction when I'm off course and unhappy. After all the goal is to "die with memories, not dreams", right?

Why stay at home? A very personal decision.

Today was a tough day. As a stay at home mommy, sick days do not exist, rather they become focused on survival & safety for the most part. Allergies, sinus infection, whatever it is, has me down for the count and I stumbled through this day with the help of nickelodeon, netflix, and leapfrog. However, this isn't the main focus of my thoughts tonight. My focus is on why I became a stay at home mom.

Rewind to the morning after Colton was born. I had been in & out of an eclamptic coma, and could only remember bits & pieces of the night before. I had a headache, I lost my vision (completely), I was at the hospital getting an epidural, my midwife was talking to me about my cesarean during the procedure, intense pressure on my stomach, they delivered the baby, BUT did NOT put him in my arms, or tell me he was ok. I remember thinking, "can you tie those tubes while you're in there", but couldn't muster the words & knew it wouldn't matter anyway.

As I came to the next morning, blood pressure lowered, pharmaceutical haze lightened, the first thought I had was, "Is he alive? Am I ok? I didn't have enough time."

I didn't have enough time.

Over & over again I heard it. I felt it, it rang loudly in my head, even through the the first words I remember my husband saying. "He is alive, but he is very small." (Apparently a much kinder version than he heard!)

As lucidity came back to me, I felt shaken. I had always wanted to be the one to raise my own children, to be there when they walked, talked, and to watch the miracle of their learning. I mourned the time I felt I had wasted at work. I wished I had spent it with Ty, and taken more value in it. My heart wasn't at work. I wanted my work to be my family. I wanted my children, good & bad, and I felt that all the time I had been spending trying to help provide for them, was time I'd wasted. (Not that providing isn't it own sort of support, it just wasn't where I wanted my focus if it could be changed with sacrifice.)

I told Dan, our priorities needed to change, and he agreed immediately. He has always supported the idea of me being home if I wished to do so, but now we were willing to "take destiny by the horns" a make it happen. If we had to move to a smaller house, go down to one car, sell our TVs, we were going to make it happen.

Although we all have those moments where we are brutally shown our time with each other is finite, I had never considered that my time with my children was finite as well. (duh?) My first child was 3 years old, and I felt like I was almost taken from him. What had I missed in the name of making sure he had all the toys and trips his greedy little toddler heart could want? How silly. As a parent, I missed that one of the best things for him, was quality time with me, his father, and his family. How had I failed to take that to heart?

Things changed. We scrutinized our money. Focused on paying down our bills. Figured where the breaking point was, and almost moved to Bloomington for a job that would have given Dan enough of a raise to let me stay home. (Thank you Purdue for fighting for him.)

The decision was very personal to me. As an english major, I'm capable if spouting off quotes till my little heart is content. During the whole situation I kept thinking of Thoreau's Walden. "I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life ... to put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."

Up until that point, I had not lived the life I wanted to live. I faced a moment of realization. I almost lost it all, and hadn't even tried very hard to be home to raise my children. (This is all a very selfish endeavor isn't it! Haha!)


How invigorating to get that out.

So here I am. Sucking the marrow from life. A mother without conflict. Dedicated completely to her family & husband. Someday I may answer dreams to be a great career woman, with a successful power house career, but for now, I'm right where I get the most satisfaction, and where I believe my children need me. (covered in spit up & teaching a 4 year old to be a gentleman... )

I have no judgments for others who cannot or do not wish to be home.  I am purely answering to my own heart and living the way I wish to. And when I come to die, I will have lived exactly the way I wanted, deliberately, wholeheartedly, and true to the desires of myself and (hopefully) my family.

Look at that. I'd been struggling with finding a blog name, and I just found it.

Living Deliberately.

Thanks for reading, go live deliberately.

Saving Me From Myself

This weekend we had the pleasure of having our families over for Colton's first birthday. I always love getting everyone together, particularly all the children. My sister and myself never had much opportunity to party with our cousins, so I think I speak for us both when I say we really revel in the opportunity for then to get to know each other. This Saturday however, we were missing my sister and her husband, thanks to a poker run for a great cause, but we did get Grace & Brody thanks to my mom. (I asked my niece what it was like having a motorcycle momma & daddy, and I think she was confused.)

Colt's birthday was a big deal for our small family. Having a 10 week premature baby, that missed nearly his entire third trimester of development, is a scary thing. Even scarier, my husband was the one who was told point-blank, that Colt may not survive.

The story of that trying day is one I have been contemplating writing, as it was very much a turning point in our lives.

Back on topic. Everything turned out great, the boy its strong & tough like the grandma he was named after. I will never forget my final check up after Colt's birth when my doctor asked if we had given any thought to a third child. I replied "We had, but aren't sure now!" And she very kindly explained that the chances of a repeat if the entire ordeal, the eclampsia, the emergency delivery, & the premature baby, were very steep, and we may want to "make peace with two".

Sometimes, I find that thought painful. The love I have for my existing children is boundless, and despite the complications, I'd never take any of it back. But God works in funny ways.

We bring our families together to play, and 3 children between the ages of 4-6 descend upon our home, with all their excitement & idiosyncrasies. I love the time together, watching them play & enjoying each other's company. When it is time for half the brood to return home and go back to their own lives, our house quiets and I think, "Woah. Two is perfectly fine." 

Sometimes, things happen for a reason, if for no other reason than to offer perspective. In this case, it is nice to have a reminder that we all have limits. (Despite the amount of love in our hearts we are willing to share.) And that's ok.